TheTemporaryCrackleCoalitionCompanion
Original Music and Writings in a totally unoriginal diary format.
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Download Music right click and "Save Target As..."
vanessas song
Jen's Song |
|The Old Stuff||My dads cat|
| 05.20.01/1:56pm EST | everything is all fugazi |
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justin dumped the web server so now I have to find a space to host my mp3's. i might do the mp3.com thing. we'll see. i also need a domain. if you have an ideas for one, please let me know.
i also rerecorded vanessas song. it's the only one available for download right now due to low server space. |
| 05.14.01/1:41pm EST - 7lbs 13.8oz | Welcome Samantha Alexis Cruz |
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I gave birth today. Actually I didn't, but I could have considering all the breathing and pushing I was doing. I was involved in one of the most amazing, emotionaly draining events of my life. I helped someone give birth to a beautiful baby girl. She has a beautiful little tuft of hair, paper thin fingernails, and the cutest wrinkled feet I have ever seen but her most amazing feature are eyes that spoke to me for just a brief moment. As I was nervously holding her for the first time I spoke to her softly, reassuring her that everything in fact was OK, she seemed to locate my voice and, through the tiniest pause in her eye momvement, she looked at me and held my gaze. Her eyes said something I am still not sure of. Maybe she was reflecting my worries but she seemed to ask about her future and god did I want to tell her that everything was going to be OK but I don't really think I would have meant it. The future isn't that complex of a thought. I am certain that any new born could actually consider that certain events occur in order with out repetition and have the ability to anticipate what comes next. I wondered what she thought. Was she scared? Did she want to go back? Did she want to be held? I would imagine so. She slept beautifully as she was handed from person to person as many basked in her new born glow. I too wanted to be held. I was so drained but thanks to my grounding exercises that Jessica taught me, I didn't short circuit during labor. I was mom's channel for earthly energy. I was transcending all of mother earths powerful knowledge and confident, comfortable vibes. I am a conduit, an elastic firecracker (with feet firmly planted on linoleum floors). I felt silly at first, you know, looking at her vagina when her legs were spread so wide like that. She had no coverage at all, no protection, nothing to guard her from shame and the prying, judgemental eyes of all the humans involved. It was a bit weird at first to be around the fuss and not actually watch what was going on. I didn't want her to feel any shame but I realized it was the shame I felt that was bothering me. I watched in amazement at how simple it all seemed. No large cranking machinery, no tyranical doctors, no huge medical staff at hand. Hell, they didn't even ask us to wash our hands. The nurse only guided her through the stretching of her vaginal area with a few shoddy words of encouragement. I am still unsure of how I came to be there. Why was I chosen, what does she want from me? Isn't there someone else that should be involved? I was in a myriad of self doubt. I was scared shitless, I felt that horrible ball of tension and fear in my stomache rise to my throat only to choke every bit of enjoyment out of me, telling me I will fail miserably and hurt myself and so many people in the process. I couldn't handle the idea that I would let anyone down. I was filling up with shame, hate and most importantly a viable means of escape. Of course I considered suicide breifly, but it didn't seem to be much more than a short term solution. I've only felt like this a few times before: at every job interview I've ever had. After I realized that I wasn't making a huge fucking mistake and in fact very lucky I called Judy, mom's sister. I last heard from her at 7 am. I heard the answering machine and purposly didn't answer the phone. I woke up to hear her frantic voice begging for my help within her tone yet only asking for my presence, my sensitivity, empathy and amazing ability to not be like every other stupid, selfish asshole out there. "Where the fuck was the father?", I thought, "Why the fuck isn't he feeling this burden?". The bastard, I resorted to becoming angry at him. I reexamined everything. Later, I found the strength to make that phone call to announce my arrival only to hear Andrea screaming in pain. THAT DID NOT HELP.
A woman's pain is a weird thing especially if your mom has tried to milk every last bit of sympathy out of you during your turbulant childood. I've been somewhat branded to feel like any woman's anger or pain is somehow my fault. She took the drugs they gave her. Was numb below the waist and somewhat spaced out. The actual delivery wasn't very noisy. It was a little scary at first but mostly messy. The baby's head came out very easily as the doctor grabed it and spun her around. They quickly clamped the cord and set her on the table where she lied for 20 minutes before she was given to her mother. She didn't cry much. Just a little bit at her entry. Her placenta had some of the coolest colors to it. It was full of red's and blue's and purple's. The doctor took a blood sample from the afterbirth and upon removing the needle I watched the blood squirt out in 3 inch high arch. That was pretty cool. Afterwards we went outside, smoked a few cigarettes and shared a little bit of rum I brought and basically reflected over the whole experience. I'd mark this off the list of things I'd never thought I'd get to do. Here's a link to someone else's birth story. It's amazingly beautiful and poetic. The Birth of Grey Forest Walt.. |
| tuesday 05.01.00/4:08pm EST | radiohead - amnesiac |
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fuck. it's may. i ain't got no shitty job that i have to wake up to 7 in the morning for. man, that shit is hectic. i prefer 11-12 noon. life's easier when you have an hour long to wake up. fuck snooze, that's what i say. i'd like to make money and not have to wake up to an alarm.
in all my free time i's usually doing something fun. i really love cooking now. i also started doing little things around the house like fixing shit. it's kind of fun. i actually have some responsibility that i chose to take on. i think it's the first time in my life where i actually have pride in something that don't completely control or own, my family and it's habitat. i sort of took some of this on because of my recent realizations that it's time for me to become a man and part of becoming a steady, whole minded, human being i figured i should at least set an example at home if i hate what's going on. i am talking about, of course the roach infested kitchen and ocasional ant in your tea, salad or bowl of cereal for consideration there's the fact that, my mom and sister are complete fucking slobs. there's usually a) shit in the toilet, b)bloody marks on the seat, or c) someone shitting with the light off and the door unlocked, so it leaves you with the sudden image of someone not only lurking the bathroom late at night but also taking a stinky, ass exposed dump. (laughter.) anyway.... this is why i'm back again: radiohead:amnesiac. my favorite band makes my favorite records
i am about to embark on a listening of the new album for the first time. i figured it would be so moving that i might as well write it down and share it. 4:39 pakt like sardines in a crushd tin box: i am breathing heavy. whew, i am so nervous. i wonder what i will feel? no words come to mind... difficult.... to.. speak... 4:43 pyramid song cool. this song starts out with some odd ass time signatured piano. i love these guys. it sounds so cool. the drums fill it in so nicely. i guess i expect to some great ideas hit me on my ride. whilst listening to kid a to prime myself for another listening of amnesiac, i remembered another early sign that should have clued me into my love of sound. i tried to make collages of sound during my adolescent years by recording radio sound bites. maybe what i really mean is that i wished my parents noticed, so that i could blame them for not getting me started earlier in music, then i wouldn't hate myself so much for not doing anything more promising than singing fucked up songs for such a small yet captive audience. i wish girls all over could get their hands on my songs. especially the letters where i'm secretly singing about how fucking lonely i am. i imagine them sitting in their rooms, holding my record to their chests and crying out to the air. their plaid skirts gently resting at their knees, ponytails, candles and a diary. wishing they were here to hold me and to love me for the great person i am inside, not in insideous heap of excuses that i portray. poor things, they haven't changed a bit since high school (my girls in my "secret adoration" fantasies). you would think that 5 years later my fantasies of secretly being adored would have grown a little. i just can't imagine any women older that 20 ACTUALLY having the emotional capacity to fall in love over a song. they're all too cautious and jaded from past relationships. they secretly despise men and won't come to admit it, so instead of learning to love men they make them jump through hoops just for action. i don't really mean that of course, but me being somewhat of a virgin to "standard" male/female relationships, i don't even come up as a blip on my type of girl's radar. i'm a passing wind, a shape in a distant cloud, an delicious smell that comes off as "sweet and shrill". ok, amnesiac time. i'm not scared now. i was so fucked up with the idea of it before that i short circuited and couldn't form any words. second time around now on the second song, i don't know where i should go with this. it's quite late at night and writing track by track descriptions isn't too interesting. i'll try and do a sort of an emotional dump of the far out things that come to mind. let's hope for coherency.
wednesday may 2 2001 - 1:30 pm -tough thing this radiohead hmm, 3rd time around now. it's becoming much more easier to feel it. last night i had a few visons, but mostly i felt scared and alone like anything could come up behind me at anytime. i was in a flat world similar to that old 8-bit nintendo game 3-d world runner except it wasn't so happy, it was grey and the light sorces looked internal. i think the hardest part of getting a feel for this album is the idea that it is a whole and not just a bunch of songs. i'm done with it. it's good. what can i say? sounds similar to kid a but kid a was more like a bootleg copy of radiohead's emotive tonality, where amnesiac sounds more like a sarcastic version, sold to you by a used car sales man. complete with a fake smile and a firm handshake. you know he's fooling you but you still prefer to belive that you got the better. only time will tell the truth, for it wounds all heels. ----------------------------------------------------- i was gone for a few days last week. here's my answering machine and the messages i got. |
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| 04.24.01/11:56am EST | legalize it. |
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legalize drugs now. it's obvious that we as americans want our goods and we want them now. why not make them safe? what is this drug war and who is fighting, let alone winning?
"In 1998, 600,938 Americans were arrested for simple possession of marijuana; an approximate 80 million Americans are said to have experimented with marijuana in their lifetimes, including Al Gore, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, and -- who knows -- maybe even President George W. Bush, who refuses to answer the question." -http://www.salon.com/politics/feature/2001/04/23/johnson/index.html have you seen the film traffic? how can the people expect their white house administration to effectively understand why people do drugs when their "street name" database has marijuana listed as muggles and dinkie dow? "How about baby, chocolate, Muggles, Dinkie Dow or Pretendo? Still with us? Try putting sezz, snop or splim in your pipe and smoking it." -http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2001/02/15/drug_lingo/index.html it's obvious minorities recieve the worst end of the deal. when black women "fill jails and prisons in greater percentages than black men and are seven times more likely to be imprisoned than white women. For the first time in American history, black women in California and several other states are being imprisoned at nearly the same rate as white men." 80% have kids. 1 out of 3 are in for drug offenses while often being sent in under fucked up federal laws that mandate minum sentences for all offenders. "This virtually eliminates the option of referring nonviolent first-time offenders to increasingly scarce, financially strapped drug treatment, counseling and education programs. Stiffer punishment for black cocaine users than white users also ensures that more black women land in prison." -http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2001/01/12/black_women/index.html so all this fucked up shit is going down but what can we do? at this point no one really cares. most people think the "war on drugs" is a huge waste of time but when asked if we should continue doing what we, as divided people from our government, are doing to fight, most say to continue. i say we need to make drugs safe to use. people have free will and like to excercise it in any way they want to and if it isn't infringing on my rights then why the fuck do i care? let them do their dope with out shame and ridicule. let them know that they are getting quality coke instead of crushed glass. let them smoke their sticky bud with out having to worry if it's gone through dirty, murderous hands like their nike shoes might have been. open drug manufacturing to the free market, with set standards like the german impurity beer law of 1610 that i always hear about. take all that money we now through at private industry to build prisions to now build rehab clinics for those that can't handle "use". how about safe places to do drugs? i'd much rather go to a bean bag laden lounge and smoke hashish then a stinky, smoky bar. i'd like to see those in every shopping mall instead of a fucking mcdonalds where they can feed you heart attack burgers made up of "all beef patties" that can have as many as a few hundred dead cows in it. "but what will we tell our kids?" -we tell kids that it's ok to wait until you're 21 to drink and 18 to smoke cigarettes. why the hell can't we teach them that adults can also choose to do other substances too?
-lawrence |
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| 03.19.01/10:56pm EST | Red Velvet. |
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Today is my birthday and my gift to you is one of the best songs (in my opinion) I have ever written. I've never displayed it because I've always wanted to re-record it but after having it sit for 6 months I came to the conclusion that it's jerky guitar helps give the song a great feeling. Here is the original recording made sometime in June-July 2000. Ladies and Gentlemen - Jen's Song
http://www.drugworkshop.net/sex.html http://home.earthlink.net/~captainfun/weezer
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| 03.11.01/11:56pm EST | i'm just mest up in the head, i guess. |
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A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
This made ME CRY. |
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| 03.11.01/11:56pm EST | title |
| filler ME CRYh. |